Is Love a Feeling or a Way of Being?

I’ve been sitting with that question for a while now. And it came up again recently when someone asked me something I’ve heard a lot: “How am I supposed to love someone who’s causing severe pain and suffering to people I care about?”

It’s a fair question. Maybe you’ve asked it yourself.

I personally find it hard to say I love someone who’s operating from control, from dominance. Someone trying to win at all costs while leaving destruction in their wake. But my whole philosophy in life is that the world works better when more of us are pulled by love than controlled by fear. If love is what the world needs, then that is what I need to put in the world. And that is the paradox I face on a daily basis.

And what I am coming to believe is that for me to put more love into the world, I don’t have to love everyone. At least, I’m not sure I do.

And this is where I see an important distinction. There’s a difference between loving someone and leading with love.

Leading with love is different. It doesn’t mean you have to love everyone or everything. It means staying curious. It means having empathy for what someone’s lived experience may have been that shaped who they have become.

I’ve found a Buddhist teaching that helps me understand this distinction. A monk asked his students a question. If you’re carrying a cup of coffee and someone bumps into you, why did you spill the coffee?

The students all said, “Because someone bumped into me.”

The monk replied, “No. You spilled coffee because that’s what was in your cup. If you’d been carrying water, you would have spilled water.”

What you carry is what you spill.

When life shakes you, whatever you’re carrying comes out. If you carry fear, you spill fear. If you carry love, you spill love.

This teaching helps me think about those people I mentioned earlier. The ones I believe are causing harm. The ones I struggle to love. The ones operating from fear and dominance.

But I get to choose what I’m carrying when I think about them. And what I’m carrying is what I’ll spill. So, I try to carry love, curiosity and empathy. Not because I agree with them or excuse what they’re doing. But because living with deep fear and hatred 24/7 is really hard. It’s a shitty feeling to have.

Empathy puts me in a place where I can get curious. What happened in their life that brought them here? What shaped them into someone carrying so much fear and hate?

For me, that’s what leading with love looks like. Not necessarily loving them. But staying curious about their humanity. Having empathy for the weight they’re carrying.

A friend recently shared a quote from Bishop Michael Curry:

“To love, my brothers and sisters, does not mean we have to agree. But maybe agreeing to love is the greatest agreement. And the only one that ultimately matters, because it makes a future possible.”

Agreeing to love. Not agreeing with someone. Agreeing to love.

I can deeply disagree with someone and still lead with love. I can think their actions are causing harm and still stay curious about what brought them here. I can hold both things at once.

So back to the question. Is love a feeling or a way of being?

I think it’s both. We feel love toward people and things. That’s real and important. But leading with love is something different. It’s about how we move through the world. What we carry in our cup. What we choose to spill when life shakes us.

As we close out this year and move into 2026, I keep coming back to this. And instead of thinking about resolutions I am thinking about what am I going to carry and spill into the world in 2026?

I would love to hear what others want to spill in 2026