This past Friday I was off. I knew it while it was happening and I still kept showing up with an edge.
It started with an early morning client strategy meeting. I was short, certain, and generally not very kind. I care about the work and the people there, and my care came out as controlling. Unfortunately, this was a theme that stayed with me all day.
A bit later I got into a talk about sugar with my mom. It was not about sugar. It was about care that turned into policing. My care came out as rules and corrections, and that never lands. Especially when you don’t acknowledge the progress that someone has made.
With my wife Becca there were several small moments when I was just an ass. There is no other way to describe it. The worst part is I could see myself doing it and kept doing it anyway. That mismatch is the part that really stung.
That night in the shower the judge voice showed up. It said I am not good. It said I am a fake and an imposter for writing about Heart-Strong and still acting like an ass. The voice spoke in absolutes. It tried to disqualify me from my own work so I would step away before anyone could call me out.
If I rewind the week, the lead up makes sense. I had pivoted from reflection into operations. No morning Heart-Strong writing rhythm. Instead, it was action. Heart-Strong road trip logistics. Scheduling people for my podcast, Campfire Conversations, including getting a yes from a high-profile guest. Real progress. Wins that felt concrete.
But that shift woke up a different mode in me. The operator who moves fast, narrows the focus, and loves a clean plan. That part of me is competent and useful. In close relationships it can turn me into clear-headed leader at best and a controlling asshole at worst. In this case, the latter won.
Early Saturday morning, I drove into Lisbon Falls. I was staying at my parent’s this past weekend. When I am home on Saturdays I go get a coffee at Reverie, take a walk, and check in with myself. It is my anchor. I wanted to keep the ritual even though I was in a different place. I went to a great spot, called Little River Coffee. I then went for a walk by the river. Same practice, different location.
At one point I came across a pretty amazing scene. Low sun along the far treeline, all fire. Gray sky above. Still water holding an almost perfect reflection. A faint line of mist where shore meets water. I took a picture.
The scene said a few simple things to me.
Light can sit under a gray sky. That is what I saw on the water. The treeline was lit up like a quiet fire while the clouds held their place. The river carried both without argument. Shore and reflection. Warmth and cool. It felt like Friday and Saturday in the same frame.
I stood there for a while. The imposter voice had ridden with me all morning. The photo didn’t argue with it. It just gave me something truer to look at. I was rough yesterday. I also noticed beauty today. Both are real. The picture let that be okay for a minute.
Continuing on my walk, I thought about how fast I can move when I am in work mode. Book the thing. Confirm the guest. Line up the next step. It is useful and it is part of me. It also narrows my tone when I forget to leave room for people. That showed up on Friday with the people I love most. I do not like that. Naming it here matters to me.
What I want is simple. I want to lead from love. I want to meet feeling with feeling. I want to bring respect into old rooms. Friday did not look like that. Saturday gave me a small reset. Coffee. A walk. Light on the water. I could feel my shoulders drop.
I am not tying this up with a bow. I am just telling the truth. I had a hard day. I said things in a sharp way. I questioned myself more than I needed to. Then I went for my Saturday check-in and found a river that held both light and cloud. That felt like enough for now.
I find dualities hard and think that is common for those of us raised in Western cultures. I’m guessing that you may have read Rumi’s The Guest House but in case not, or in case a reminder is of use.
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Thank you for your public vulnerability!
Am reading Terrence Real’s “Us” and he speaks of the need in relationships to recognize 3 cycles: harmony (love without knowledge), disharmony (knowledge without love), and repair (loving knowledge). A healthy relationship, that prioritizes the us (versus you + me), moves through this cycle, over and over — as new challenges surface and when our Sage (Wise Adult self) succumbs to our Saboteurs (Adaptive Child self).
P.S. Terry is the therapist that Tim Ferriss mentions in a recent Finding Mastery podcast.