Have You Ever Been Inside a Prison?

A couple months ago I got a text message from my friend Sam Harris. It was a simple yes or no question, “Have you ever been inside a prison?”

It seemed like an easy enough answer, “No, I have not.”

Sam spent nearly 25 years in prison. While he was inside, he started a program called I OWE MORE, which stands for Inspiring Others to Work and Excel More. It’s a men’s group focused on accountability, emotional growth, and preparing for reentry. Not just going home. Staying home. Today it’s the longest-running inmate-created and inmate-led program at Lawrenceville Correctional Center.

Sam still goes back to Lawrenceville to help facilitate the group. His message was to ask me if I would like to join in on one of their group meetings while I was in VA for the holidays. He wanted me to experience the group and asked me to speak about love in action. What it looks like when love shows up through consistency, service, and showing up for others.

I responded with an enthusiastic “YES!” And then I started to panic.

What could I possibly offer these men?

I’ve never been to prison, let alone inside a prison. My lived experience couldn’t be more different from theirs.

I’ve given many talks throughout my life. I actually really enjoy public speaking. I have no problems standing in front of a room of executives and CEOs, but this felt harder. Who was I to walk into a prison and say anything worth hearing?

I sat with that question for weeks. During that time, I thought about prisons a lot. And something else started to emerge.

I think there are two kinds of prisons.

The first are the kinds that we easily recognize. These have walls and gates and guards. They have rules you didn’t write and timelines you don’t control. They’re the kind we think of when we hear the word prison.

The second kind is different. It doesn’t have walls you can see. It doesn’t have a release date. It’s the prison we build for ourselves out of fear. Or the one society builds for us through conditioning and expectations. This second prison can follow you anywhere. It can keep you locked up even when no one is watching. Even when every door around you is wide open.

I think a lot of us are trapped in prisons of our own making. Prisons of fear. Prisons of shame. Prisons of who we think we’re supposed to be. We carry them with us into our jobs, our relationships, our quiet moments alone.

The difference between the two prisons is this: One requires someone else to let you out. The other only requires you. That’s not to say it’s easy. The fear prison doesn’t unlock with a simple decision. The walls are real even if they’re invisible. But no one else holds the key.

Now when I think back to Sam’s question, “have you ever been inside a prison?”, I have a more complicated answer. Because the real answer is, “yes.” I find myself in prisons of my own making every day.

The prison of that voice that says, “You’re a fake. You’re an imposter.” The prison of competing and measuring myself against others who seem further along. The prison of needing to grab control when things feel uncertain. The prison of racing toward some finish line instead of being present with where I am.

These are just some of the fear-based prisons I am working to free myself from. I know I have the keys. And I am realizing that part of leading with love is learning how to more consistently use the keys.

What prisons might you need to free yourself from?

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This is the first piece in a short series where I examine both physical and metaphorical prisons.

In the next one, I’ll share what I experienced inside the gates at Lawrenceville. Then I’ll introduce you to someone I met inside who is changing lives through art. And finally, I’ll explore what it costs to stay connected to the people you love when you’re behind bars.